Confusion

life is confusing. feelings are constricting. love is baffling.

i look forward to having certain situations alleviated, taken off my burdened shoulders, yet when it happens i feel terribly empty. i was so excited to get away from school, to leave the stress and a lot of the annoying situations behind me so that i could start preparing for my mission.

however, i feel somewhat hollow. i am still doing the good things in my life, praying, reading my scriptures, but i still have this empty spot. it took me a while to understand why it existed, then it dawned on me like the bright sun over the green haze of the New England horizon: i'm missing something that i made and integral part of me. i'm missing the connections that i made at school.

much like trees rooted firmly into the ground i am strengthened by the connections that i make. i will not foster a relationship if i feel it will just wither and die. much like trees i plant my strength deeply and do not expected to be uprooted, to be surprised and then suddenly without feeling. numb. gone.

i am no longer connected to my roommates in the same manner. i am no longer part of the everyday lives of my coworkers. the teachers that i hated at times and yet loved because they challenged me to be better than i am. i miss the great friends i had contact with almost every day, and people that i could talk to about all the craziness that was going on in my life/head. i no longer have the same pull in their lives...

at times i feel like a ghost, one that solidifies and touches someone's heart. then, after time, i slowly fade to let them live the rest of their life while i watch, totally helpless in the background (no other influence permitted). at times i wonder: have i been a good enough example? have i led them to understand their potential? will i ever have someone reach out and pull me back into mortality?

i also want someone to love me. someone here, with me. i yearn to be needed as much as i need others. that is my weakness. that is my kryptonite. love. i like to spend time with people, but it's always hard for me to tell if someone just likes to be around me or if they want to be closer to me. i guess i shouldn't worry about that now that i'm going to be an ambassador for the gospel i live and love. but still, the feeling persists.