Decisions

When I was on my mission I remember my mission president talking about how missionaries struggle with returning home because so many important life decisions are made right after getting home. I was so stupid. I didn't believe him. I thought that based on all the things that I had learned and applied to my life I would be totally fine.

It has taken me a little while to realize that the toughest decisions that I have had to make are based on my own life and the things I believe or choose to be. I have had to choose to live my life a certain way. I have had to choose what to study, who I want to date, etc. So many different things. It can seem daunting when you have all these decisions facing you, but tackling them one by one makes them a little bit easier.

I have one decision that has been weighing on my shoulders for about 6 years now. What it is that I want to do as a profession. It has been something that I have thought about since I was 16. It's hard to believe that my 5-year plan, written with my parents, has now pretty much come to an end. I need another plan, and that has had my mind perturbed. I have known for a while that there are things that I need to do in life and things that I want to do in life, but up until this week I have been a big ninny and haven't accepted these things.

Now is the time. 

I've decided.

I want to go into Education.

It sounds so weird, but feels so right. It also has taken a lot for me to realize that maybe that's what I really need to do. Obviously there are more things that I need to determine, more decisions that need to be made, but this feels like a GIANT step in the right direction. So many sleepless nights, prayers, hours at the temple. It's crazy that it feels like the answer was right in front of me the whole time, I was just too slow to realize that.

One of the most important things that I have never lost sight of throughout this whole process is this talk. It changed my life. It helped me to realize that God would help me understand where I need to be to help the most people. I have never given up hope that I wouldn't be able to do what it is that I need to do. Asking for a confirmation of my decisions, praying for guidance, pleading for patience to be able to understand His timeline, none of it was in vain. (The most annoying thing that I had to deal with was answering the question: What do you want to do in life? I never had a definitive answer.)

Well, the journey is just beginning. And if any of you are like my parents then you might be like, "Here goes Braden with another hair-brained idea of his." Bear with me. I'm still a work in progress. Just trying to make world-changing decisions one by one.

Me, Up Close and Personal

This is a huge leap for me. I have been wanting to write and put my ideas out in the open again, but my heart has been so tender lately that I have not had the courage to do this. Many who know me know me to be a bold person who speaks out for the things I believe and against the things that I do not believe. I seek understanding, completeness, unity, and true Christian values. One interesting thing about me is that if someone is really rude to me, or offends me in some way, I sink back into myself. I revert to timidity (and anger) instead of my naturally rambunctious, gregarious self.

I realize that this needs to change. I believe very strongly in personal progression, and the idea that we can change and adapt ourselves and become better. I also feel it important to be myself. If I change something about me, I still have to be me, just a better me. That is what I love about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, is that we are all encouraged to become better, but become like Him, and through that effort we can become the best we could ever be. It is such a challenge for me to do this, but something that helps is the encouragement from the General Authorities during general conference, my parents, and kind people who listen and empathize.

That being said, there are days when I feel like I'm on top of the world: I get along with everyone, I'm optimistic, I'm elated about life. Then there are days when I feel great, and life gets me down. And then there are days when I don't even want to be alive.

I try not to tell people what I think of them or how I feel because I really want to be a nice person, and I believe that nice people are nice to everyone, unconditionally. However, in doing that I suppress my real emotions, and those things come back to bite me with a vengeance. Emotions get crammed in a small cage, like a large tiger stuck in a cat carrier: my emotions get put in a place that they don't want to be. Then, when they get uncomfortable enough, they lash out and hurt me. I am left to nurse myself back to health, but instead of getting better the wound turns gangrenous and angry. I am resigned to do what? Show those who have turned my kitty into a fierce tiger exactly what they did to me in angering the poor animal.

At that point I don't care who gets hurt, as my wound has already started to become nasty. My tiger turns back into a cute kitten, but it's too late to return to my fond love for the thing, so I turn against it. Revile it.

Why am I writing about this and publishing it? Because it is a goal of mine. My mother used to always say to us children that, "A goal not written down is simply a dream, nothing more." I believe that! In writing this and expressing this I hope to become better, I strive to have others realize a weakness in me and help me to improve, bit by bit.

More to come soon. Stay tuned.