This is a huge leap for me. I have been wanting to write and put my ideas out in the open again, but my heart has been so tender lately that I have not had the courage to do this. Many who know me know me to be a bold person who speaks out for the things I believe and against the things that I do not believe. I seek understanding, completeness, unity, and true Christian values. One interesting thing about me is that if someone is really rude to me, or offends me in some way, I sink back into myself. I revert to timidity (and anger) instead of my naturally rambunctious, gregarious self.
I realize that this needs to change. I believe very strongly in personal progression, and the idea that we can change and adapt ourselves and become better. I also feel it important to be myself. If I change something about me, I still have to be me, just a better me. That is what I love about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, is that we are all encouraged to become better, but become like Him, and through that effort we can become the best we could ever be. It is such a challenge for me to do this, but something that helps is the encouragement from the General Authorities during general conference, my parents, and kind people who listen and empathize.
That being said, there are days when I feel like I'm on top of the world: I get along with everyone, I'm optimistic, I'm elated about life. Then there are days when I feel great, and life gets me down. And then there are days when I don't even want to be alive.
I try not to tell people what I think of them or how I feel because I really want to be a nice person, and I believe that nice people are nice to everyone, unconditionally. However, in doing that I suppress my real emotions, and those things come back to bite me with a vengeance. Emotions get crammed in a small cage, like a large tiger stuck in a cat carrier: my emotions get put in a place that they don't want to be. Then, when they get uncomfortable enough, they lash out and hurt me. I am left to nurse myself back to health, but instead of getting better the wound turns gangrenous and angry. I am resigned to do what? Show those who have turned my kitty into a fierce tiger exactly what they did to me in angering the poor animal.
At that point I don't care who gets hurt, as my wound has already started to become nasty. My tiger turns back into a cute kitten, but it's too late to return to my fond love for the thing, so I turn against it. Revile it.
Why am I writing about this and publishing it? Because it is a goal of mine. My mother used to always say to us children that, "A goal not written down is simply a dream, nothing more." I believe that! In writing this and expressing this I hope to become better, I strive to have others realize a weakness in me and help me to improve, bit by bit.
More to come soon. Stay tuned.
