Confusion

life is confusing. feelings are constricting. love is baffling.

i look forward to having certain situations alleviated, taken off my burdened shoulders, yet when it happens i feel terribly empty. i was so excited to get away from school, to leave the stress and a lot of the annoying situations behind me so that i could start preparing for my mission.

however, i feel somewhat hollow. i am still doing the good things in my life, praying, reading my scriptures, but i still have this empty spot. it took me a while to understand why it existed, then it dawned on me like the bright sun over the green haze of the New England horizon: i'm missing something that i made and integral part of me. i'm missing the connections that i made at school.

much like trees rooted firmly into the ground i am strengthened by the connections that i make. i will not foster a relationship if i feel it will just wither and die. much like trees i plant my strength deeply and do not expected to be uprooted, to be surprised and then suddenly without feeling. numb. gone.

i am no longer connected to my roommates in the same manner. i am no longer part of the everyday lives of my coworkers. the teachers that i hated at times and yet loved because they challenged me to be better than i am. i miss the great friends i had contact with almost every day, and people that i could talk to about all the craziness that was going on in my life/head. i no longer have the same pull in their lives...

at times i feel like a ghost, one that solidifies and touches someone's heart. then, after time, i slowly fade to let them live the rest of their life while i watch, totally helpless in the background (no other influence permitted). at times i wonder: have i been a good enough example? have i led them to understand their potential? will i ever have someone reach out and pull me back into mortality?

i also want someone to love me. someone here, with me. i yearn to be needed as much as i need others. that is my weakness. that is my kryptonite. love. i like to spend time with people, but it's always hard for me to tell if someone just likes to be around me or if they want to be closer to me. i guess i shouldn't worry about that now that i'm going to be an ambassador for the gospel i live and love. but still, the feeling persists.

Rant

after last week (and its spill over into this week) I feel like i need to express my feelings.

sometimes my blog seems to be a giant forum for me to RANT.

other times I feel as if people actually read what i write and relate to what I'm trying to communicate.

for whatever reason y0u are reading my blog...thank you...hopefully i'm not the only crazy one out there...although i think i'm not the only crazy in provo...

things that have bugged me over the past couple weeks:

i don't know why it is but i feel as if everything i do make people so react so dumbly. like today, i had JDawgs for lunch and when i eat fatty foods my tummy hurts.was well aware of this side effect. yet i wanted it so badly that i got it anyway. so, in short, i wound up getting hot dog burps and i accidentally burped in my work vehicle and my coworkers made fun of me the entire way...even though my other coworker burped, no joke, seven times after mine. they told me i smelled bad, i apologized and felt bad, but they wouldn't leave me alone.

also, it's totally fine for them to just be lazy and not do deliveries and study in the van when they have quizzes to prepare for, but when i ask to not do a delivery or to not drive they get upset. and they can joke around but when i try to be funny they think i'm weird. they find it weird that i actually PAY ATTENTION TO DETAILS. people don't really understand that they can tell me a story once and i'll remember it pretty well, yet for some reason that makes me weird? sorry, the last time i checked a memory like that was pretty awesome. most people cannot remember things like i can...whatever.

i also don't understand why it is that people are so rude and sarcastic all the time. sarcasm really bugs me, especially when people follow it with the phrase "you know i'm just kidding. don't take things so personally!" that bugs me more than the sarcasm. i don't know if most people understand that sarcasm is truth wrapped up in a seemingly funny package held together with the sticky "SCREW YOU" and "YOUR IMPERFECTION ARE HILARIOUS" tape all over the nicely decorated gift wrap. i know that i'm not perfect, so i don't need your jokes to help me realize quite how imperfect i am, thank you.

i just wish older people would grow up. you may be 22 or 23 or 24, i don't give a fart. you can act a little bit older. there are times to have fun and to act younger; however, as a general rule acting your age won't kill you. i hate that i can act older and slightly more mature than those that are older than myself and for acting in such manner makes me mock worthy.

i also do not like people who cannot keep secrets. secrets are meant to be shared between people who trust one another. if there's one important lesson that i've learned at school it's that i can only trust a select few people. i have a mental list. and for some reason men suck at secret keeping...it's just not in their hard wiring...keep that in mind women.

and this wouldn't be complete without a post about my two PSYCHO roommates. i love two of my roommates but i have two that are like legit crazy. one has tried twice to force me to take him to the bus stop on the edge of campus (once he woke me up and i think he learned NEVER to wake me up--well, if you're not my mom it's not a good idea). the other is just like bipolar and for the past week has come home and gone to bed after me, generally waking me up around 3 or 4 a.m., then getting up and leaving around 4 p.m. i wonder why he complains that he's getting bad grades when he doesn't study, he plays video games and stay up until all hours of the early morning. he has also started to use my roommate's shampoo because his "disappeared" (i.e. he used it and doesn't want to replace it).

so, to all you who choose to be rude, overly sarcastic, immature and just dumb, this is me saying that i'm glad to know you. you make me grow. you make me learn. you force me to remind myself that i'm glad that i'm different and that i may be stupid, but that i pale in comparison to your example.

Parts and Pieces

My mom is soooo right (and it's odd that we've both been thinking about this). I often wonder if I give too much of myself to people, or if I give too much of my heart to things that really don't matter. I wonder if I spread myself too thin trying to accomplish everything I can, being a perfectionist like my momma.

Will I ever be whole again? After Siovhan left for college I felt like part of me was gone, then after leaving for college I felt even more incomplete. Slowly I started feeling better as I became closer to my roommate, but now he's gone too (as well as numerous other friends).

Sometimes I miss being 11 years old. I miss being innocent and young. I miss crushes. I miss not worrying. Everything seemed--and probably was--so much easier then. Love. Hate. Faith. Intelligence. Friendships. Family.

But, I know that everything happens for a reason. I am meant to struggle sometimes so that I can remember help is no more than a prayer away. I find solace in President Hinckley's words:
"I come to you tonight with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to "accentuate the positive." I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. Now I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man or woman who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his or her course.

What I am suggesting is that you turn from the negativism that so permeates our modern society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom you associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my wise father would say: 'Cynics do not contribute. Skeptics do not create. Doubters do not achieve.' "

This talk helps remind me to have faith, to trust my Father in Heaven with my life (especially with a mission right around the corner) and to hope for a brighter tomorrow. I need to be a little bit more optimistic than I have been lately...

Catharsis

I have had a rather cathartic week...work, classes, friendships, etc.
I feel like a mess...a chaotic jumble of human emotions all thrown into one being.

Duality

Sometimes it's quite interesting the assignments that we're asked to do for some of our classes. Last semester I had to write an essay on the duality of human beings; how sometimes they seem as though they can act one way or believe one set of ideals but at the same time they act another way and have a subset of ideals, an almost secondary set of ideals. I have noticed this a lot more in my life since then. People can say one thing and believe another, act one way and really be quite different. To me, it seems as though these people are living in and "idealistic reality" as my professor stated.

Sometimes it's hard to tell when one person says something and means quite the opposite. It's hard to try and discern when people are being honest and when they're trying not to hurt you or trying to keep the truth from you. I tend to be frank and brutally honest with people, and very rarely do I keep the truth from others (very, very rarely). So I guess it is out of a desire to know that I write this post, as I desire to know the truth (and change the nature of this post because I did start writing it in anger and hostility).

Lately I have had a great personal battle with life. Life gets interesting when we don't have big problems, rather when have LOTS of little ones that all start to bog us down after trying to get rid of them. So, after much prayer and studying(and singing), I have some to the conclusion that this IS life. We just need to learn how to deal with it, and part of how I deal with it is reading the scriptures. Alma 34:40-41 and 2 Nephi 2:1-4 help me a TON. I find my strength and direction in the scriptures and in prayer.

I miss my family, but after my "time of rest" at home I understand that they won't change all too much within the next couple years. I love my family and know that I will have them for eternity, and that brings me much comfort.

I only have mere weeks left until I can turn in my papers...weeks. I remember sitting in my bedroom about a year-and-a-half ago thinking this time would never come. Time has gone by much more quickly than I would have liked it to, yet now it is moving so slowly...maybe it's because i'm anticipating something...

What is this Feeling?

I have a lot of feelings. Lots. No joke. Sometimes I find it hard to filter through all the muddied emotions and the incoherent thoughts that seem to creep inside my head and into my very core. The nice thing about life is that we are never alone, no matter how alone we may feel and how different we may ink we are there is always at least one person who understand: our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He never wants us to feel alone, he never wants us to be miserable. In fact, he wants the exact opposite, to be joyful and amiable, and that is why he blesses us with such amazing gifts like the Holy Ghost and true friends.
I am so grateful for the people that the Lord has given me in my life. I have been so blessed to be given great friends and an absolutely amazing family. So, to the people I love and care about, here's a shout-out.


Mom-You are my life. I live because I know that you love me and that you worked so hard to get me here. I live because you were there for me when nobody else was. I love because you taught me how to love. I serve because you always demonstrated true Christianity through your life of service. I am who I am because you eased me through the many problems that I had, you always held me and comforted me when I needed it. I am eternally grateful for your guiding influence in my life.

Dad-You were the example to which I always tried to pattern my life. Your quiet love and service were always astounding to me. You always give selflessly and you live selflessly; that is something I have tried to do in my life. I love how you honor your priesthood and how you always try to bless the lives of others through your actions, your prayers and your love.

Siovhan-You have always inspired me. I want to be like you so much. I have always wanted to be as great of a writer and as creative/inventive with words as you. I look us to you and honor your example of selfless love and charity every day. You are simply amazing.

Ben-You are such an amazing young man. You have such talent! You are creative and artistic, imaginative and inventive, and you have such a skill with words. Another thing that you are great at is forgiving other people. No matter who wronged you, no matter what they may have done you just forgive them. You also love people for who they are, you have this amazing and incredible ability to love others.

Mikaela-I always loved how your treated me with such love and respect. No matter how difficult life was for you you tried to make sure that your older brother was doing well and that I was happy. You make my life so much happier than you can imagine.


More to come...

Altruism

This week was a tough week. I've slowly, as the weeks progress and the weather changes, been realizing more and more how much I miss my home. I secretly love MA and the trees, the wacky weather, the wackier people, and the hectic driving. I especially miss my family and my ward. Don't get me wrong, I love BYU, my roommates and my ward out here, I simply miss the family ward spirit. I miss my siblings and most especially my parents.

My mom is my best friend and was always there for me when nobody else was. She loves me infinitely and eternally. She always gives me great advice and tries to ease my feelings and my mind. She has been on my mind constantly the past week, especially as I realized that it's been exactly two months since I've seen her or had her hug me and kiss me. I'm coming to realize that the Lord is refining me and training me (and I openly welcome needed training), but it still hurts sometimes not having that compassionate, charitable aura around me when I want it.

Now I need to thank someone that has helped me so much. My roommate. He is one of the nicest and most patient people that I know. He is a genuinely kind spirit, one with a great capacity to love and serve others, and one who always tries to make the best decisions he can. He is very forgiving and is patient with himself and doesn't generally make decisions that he would regret. In that regard I wish I could be more like him. He doesn't care how people view him and he never tries to offend people. So, Kyle, thank you. Thank you for always listening to me and putting up with my crazed emotions, thoughts and feelings. Thank you for helping all the time. You are the best friend/spiritual brother that i always wanted. You understand who I am, you respect me, you care. I cannot explain to you how much it means to me that you are there for me now when many others are not. You are such a strong person and such an inspiration for the type of person, the type of companion, I want to be.

Now it is late and I must retire...off to bed!

-B