Parts and Pieces

My mom is soooo right (and it's odd that we've both been thinking about this). I often wonder if I give too much of myself to people, or if I give too much of my heart to things that really don't matter. I wonder if I spread myself too thin trying to accomplish everything I can, being a perfectionist like my momma.

Will I ever be whole again? After Siovhan left for college I felt like part of me was gone, then after leaving for college I felt even more incomplete. Slowly I started feeling better as I became closer to my roommate, but now he's gone too (as well as numerous other friends).

Sometimes I miss being 11 years old. I miss being innocent and young. I miss crushes. I miss not worrying. Everything seemed--and probably was--so much easier then. Love. Hate. Faith. Intelligence. Friendships. Family.

But, I know that everything happens for a reason. I am meant to struggle sometimes so that I can remember help is no more than a prayer away. I find solace in President Hinckley's words:
"I come to you tonight with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to "accentuate the positive." I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. Now I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man or woman who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his or her course.

What I am suggesting is that you turn from the negativism that so permeates our modern society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom you associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my wise father would say: 'Cynics do not contribute. Skeptics do not create. Doubters do not achieve.' "

This talk helps remind me to have faith, to trust my Father in Heaven with my life (especially with a mission right around the corner) and to hope for a brighter tomorrow. I need to be a little bit more optimistic than I have been lately...

Catharsis

I have had a rather cathartic week...work, classes, friendships, etc.
I feel like a mess...a chaotic jumble of human emotions all thrown into one being.

Duality

Sometimes it's quite interesting the assignments that we're asked to do for some of our classes. Last semester I had to write an essay on the duality of human beings; how sometimes they seem as though they can act one way or believe one set of ideals but at the same time they act another way and have a subset of ideals, an almost secondary set of ideals. I have noticed this a lot more in my life since then. People can say one thing and believe another, act one way and really be quite different. To me, it seems as though these people are living in and "idealistic reality" as my professor stated.

Sometimes it's hard to tell when one person says something and means quite the opposite. It's hard to try and discern when people are being honest and when they're trying not to hurt you or trying to keep the truth from you. I tend to be frank and brutally honest with people, and very rarely do I keep the truth from others (very, very rarely). So I guess it is out of a desire to know that I write this post, as I desire to know the truth (and change the nature of this post because I did start writing it in anger and hostility).

Lately I have had a great personal battle with life. Life gets interesting when we don't have big problems, rather when have LOTS of little ones that all start to bog us down after trying to get rid of them. So, after much prayer and studying(and singing), I have some to the conclusion that this IS life. We just need to learn how to deal with it, and part of how I deal with it is reading the scriptures. Alma 34:40-41 and 2 Nephi 2:1-4 help me a TON. I find my strength and direction in the scriptures and in prayer.

I miss my family, but after my "time of rest" at home I understand that they won't change all too much within the next couple years. I love my family and know that I will have them for eternity, and that brings me much comfort.

I only have mere weeks left until I can turn in my papers...weeks. I remember sitting in my bedroom about a year-and-a-half ago thinking this time would never come. Time has gone by much more quickly than I would have liked it to, yet now it is moving so slowly...maybe it's because i'm anticipating something...

What is this Feeling?

I have a lot of feelings. Lots. No joke. Sometimes I find it hard to filter through all the muddied emotions and the incoherent thoughts that seem to creep inside my head and into my very core. The nice thing about life is that we are never alone, no matter how alone we may feel and how different we may ink we are there is always at least one person who understand: our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He never wants us to feel alone, he never wants us to be miserable. In fact, he wants the exact opposite, to be joyful and amiable, and that is why he blesses us with such amazing gifts like the Holy Ghost and true friends.
I am so grateful for the people that the Lord has given me in my life. I have been so blessed to be given great friends and an absolutely amazing family. So, to the people I love and care about, here's a shout-out.


Mom-You are my life. I live because I know that you love me and that you worked so hard to get me here. I live because you were there for me when nobody else was. I love because you taught me how to love. I serve because you always demonstrated true Christianity through your life of service. I am who I am because you eased me through the many problems that I had, you always held me and comforted me when I needed it. I am eternally grateful for your guiding influence in my life.

Dad-You were the example to which I always tried to pattern my life. Your quiet love and service were always astounding to me. You always give selflessly and you live selflessly; that is something I have tried to do in my life. I love how you honor your priesthood and how you always try to bless the lives of others through your actions, your prayers and your love.

Siovhan-You have always inspired me. I want to be like you so much. I have always wanted to be as great of a writer and as creative/inventive with words as you. I look us to you and honor your example of selfless love and charity every day. You are simply amazing.

Ben-You are such an amazing young man. You have such talent! You are creative and artistic, imaginative and inventive, and you have such a skill with words. Another thing that you are great at is forgiving other people. No matter who wronged you, no matter what they may have done you just forgive them. You also love people for who they are, you have this amazing and incredible ability to love others.

Mikaela-I always loved how your treated me with such love and respect. No matter how difficult life was for you you tried to make sure that your older brother was doing well and that I was happy. You make my life so much happier than you can imagine.


More to come...

Altruism

This week was a tough week. I've slowly, as the weeks progress and the weather changes, been realizing more and more how much I miss my home. I secretly love MA and the trees, the wacky weather, the wackier people, and the hectic driving. I especially miss my family and my ward. Don't get me wrong, I love BYU, my roommates and my ward out here, I simply miss the family ward spirit. I miss my siblings and most especially my parents.

My mom is my best friend and was always there for me when nobody else was. She loves me infinitely and eternally. She always gives me great advice and tries to ease my feelings and my mind. She has been on my mind constantly the past week, especially as I realized that it's been exactly two months since I've seen her or had her hug me and kiss me. I'm coming to realize that the Lord is refining me and training me (and I openly welcome needed training), but it still hurts sometimes not having that compassionate, charitable aura around me when I want it.

Now I need to thank someone that has helped me so much. My roommate. He is one of the nicest and most patient people that I know. He is a genuinely kind spirit, one with a great capacity to love and serve others, and one who always tries to make the best decisions he can. He is very forgiving and is patient with himself and doesn't generally make decisions that he would regret. In that regard I wish I could be more like him. He doesn't care how people view him and he never tries to offend people. So, Kyle, thank you. Thank you for always listening to me and putting up with my crazed emotions, thoughts and feelings. Thank you for helping all the time. You are the best friend/spiritual brother that i always wanted. You understand who I am, you respect me, you care. I cannot explain to you how much it means to me that you are there for me now when many others are not. You are such a strong person and such an inspiration for the type of person, the type of companion, I want to be.

Now it is late and I must retire...off to bed!

-B

Toda Mi Vida y Mi Alma

Este tiempo es un gran tiempo para mí. Estoy muy feliz porque todos mis sueños se están realizando.
Me encanta todas mis clases son magnificas! Mis profesores son muy amables y graciosos!
Ahora le estraño mi casa y la area que crecí...los árboles, los colores, los olores...argh.
A mi familia, os extraño pero yo sé que este tiempo puede ser muy dificil, pero estoy seguro que podemos sobrevivir este distancia. También pienso que es una buena experencia para nosotros...es una preparación para mi misión

Os amo.

Reflection

As usual this whole "moving on to my new life" process has been causing me to reflect more. So I have a list: a list of attributes I've acquired and been taught, etc. for which I'm grateful.

Writing/Reading: I have Siovhan to thank for giving me a love of words. When I was younger she would write me notes, and she would put emphasis on certain words in the notes. I loved how powerful words were to her, and I envied how they spoke to her. Thank you Siovhan, for everything you do.

Love/Reading: My mother has blessed me with my openness for compassion and charity. Although I fight it sometimes, I actually care about a great number of people. I have a hard time seeing people suffer. I've learned how deep love goes, as my mother has been with me through some of the toughest times in my life (72 hrs full labor anyone?!). My mom loves to read. She reads really quickly and I'm so jealous. She has always told me that all books contain some form of truth and that they have power and knowledge contained in them. Because of her I love to read. Thank you mom, I love you soo much, and I really hope you know that.

Learning/Languages: My dad inspired me to learn. He has always been brilliant and I have always wanted to know more than he knows! Odd, but true. I envied his brain. But because he has always pushed me and wanted me to excel, I have. He also inspired me to pursue my interest in Spanish. Y, por el, he recibido un gran amor para la idoma espanola y para idiomas en general. Thanks daddy, I love and admire you.

Patience: Even though my parents have desperately tried to instill patience in my personality...I have to thank another party for helping me. His name is Brandon. He was a missionary in my ward, and he taught me to slow down and take life as it comes. He was always open to change and new things happening, and I admired that about him. I'm not always as patient as I should be, but because of his example I am more patient. Thanks Brandon (even though you can't read this tehehe).

Perspective: This one is for the Branch fam. Mama Lisa, you always listen to me, and help me to understand that people think differently. You helped me realize that I am very different from other people (in a good way), and I know now that I just have to give people time and allow them to change in ways they come to realize. Emily has taught me to enjoy life, and be brave, to never give up and love everything! Thanks you two!

Everything else: My parents and my Heavenly Father have helped shape me into the person I am today, so they are to blame! Hahaha. Just kidding. I enjoy the love that come to me from all three, and I enjoy the support and strength they are. Thank you. Gracias por todo, mi vida, mi alma, mi todo.