Decisions

When I was on my mission I remember my mission president talking about how missionaries struggle with returning home because so many important life decisions are made right after getting home. I was so stupid. I didn't believe him. I thought that based on all the things that I had learned and applied to my life I would be totally fine.

It has taken me a little while to realize that the toughest decisions that I have had to make are based on my own life and the things I believe or choose to be. I have had to choose to live my life a certain way. I have had to choose what to study, who I want to date, etc. So many different things. It can seem daunting when you have all these decisions facing you, but tackling them one by one makes them a little bit easier.

I have one decision that has been weighing on my shoulders for about 6 years now. What it is that I want to do as a profession. It has been something that I have thought about since I was 16. It's hard to believe that my 5-year plan, written with my parents, has now pretty much come to an end. I need another plan, and that has had my mind perturbed. I have known for a while that there are things that I need to do in life and things that I want to do in life, but up until this week I have been a big ninny and haven't accepted these things.

Now is the time. 

I've decided.

I want to go into Education.

It sounds so weird, but feels so right. It also has taken a lot for me to realize that maybe that's what I really need to do. Obviously there are more things that I need to determine, more decisions that need to be made, but this feels like a GIANT step in the right direction. So many sleepless nights, prayers, hours at the temple. It's crazy that it feels like the answer was right in front of me the whole time, I was just too slow to realize that.

One of the most important things that I have never lost sight of throughout this whole process is this talk. It changed my life. It helped me to realize that God would help me understand where I need to be to help the most people. I have never given up hope that I wouldn't be able to do what it is that I need to do. Asking for a confirmation of my decisions, praying for guidance, pleading for patience to be able to understand His timeline, none of it was in vain. (The most annoying thing that I had to deal with was answering the question: What do you want to do in life? I never had a definitive answer.)

Well, the journey is just beginning. And if any of you are like my parents then you might be like, "Here goes Braden with another hair-brained idea of his." Bear with me. I'm still a work in progress. Just trying to make world-changing decisions one by one.

Me, Up Close and Personal

This is a huge leap for me. I have been wanting to write and put my ideas out in the open again, but my heart has been so tender lately that I have not had the courage to do this. Many who know me know me to be a bold person who speaks out for the things I believe and against the things that I do not believe. I seek understanding, completeness, unity, and true Christian values. One interesting thing about me is that if someone is really rude to me, or offends me in some way, I sink back into myself. I revert to timidity (and anger) instead of my naturally rambunctious, gregarious self.

I realize that this needs to change. I believe very strongly in personal progression, and the idea that we can change and adapt ourselves and become better. I also feel it important to be myself. If I change something about me, I still have to be me, just a better me. That is what I love about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, is that we are all encouraged to become better, but become like Him, and through that effort we can become the best we could ever be. It is such a challenge for me to do this, but something that helps is the encouragement from the General Authorities during general conference, my parents, and kind people who listen and empathize.

That being said, there are days when I feel like I'm on top of the world: I get along with everyone, I'm optimistic, I'm elated about life. Then there are days when I feel great, and life gets me down. And then there are days when I don't even want to be alive.

I try not to tell people what I think of them or how I feel because I really want to be a nice person, and I believe that nice people are nice to everyone, unconditionally. However, in doing that I suppress my real emotions, and those things come back to bite me with a vengeance. Emotions get crammed in a small cage, like a large tiger stuck in a cat carrier: my emotions get put in a place that they don't want to be. Then, when they get uncomfortable enough, they lash out and hurt me. I am left to nurse myself back to health, but instead of getting better the wound turns gangrenous and angry. I am resigned to do what? Show those who have turned my kitty into a fierce tiger exactly what they did to me in angering the poor animal.

At that point I don't care who gets hurt, as my wound has already started to become nasty. My tiger turns back into a cute kitten, but it's too late to return to my fond love for the thing, so I turn against it. Revile it.

Why am I writing about this and publishing it? Because it is a goal of mine. My mother used to always say to us children that, "A goal not written down is simply a dream, nothing more." I believe that! In writing this and expressing this I hope to become better, I strive to have others realize a weakness in me and help me to improve, bit by bit.

More to come soon. Stay tuned.

Mi Gente!

Date: September 27, 2010
Area: Puerto Cabezas, Nicaragua

Okay!

This week we had activities planned for every single day (takes some time away from the work, but animates the people so well). SO the events were going very well for us until Thursday, when the STORM hit. Hahaha. It was actually rather pathetic. We slept in the church, made an emergency plan (thanks to my Eagle Scout power) and ate basically nothing. But the storm was whimpier than a Nor'Easter! I was so surprised. Anyway, after it passed, we went back to the house and dropped everything off and then I headed back out to work with my companion.

Saturday we baptized two little girls and then on Sunday we baptized a couple. All-in-all a great weekend for baptisms in my area!

I love getting emails from you all, especially when Sunday night rolls around and I think to myself, "I really want emails tomorrow...". Yeah, pathetic but true.

This week I really thought about converts and baptisms here in this area of the world. The people here know and understand what we teach them, even if just in a general sense, and then I realized something amazing after our baptisms were all done and over with on Sunday afternoon. The blessing and curse here is that the conversion begins at baptism. The people have to keep going to church and praying otherwise they don't grasp the gospel, they start to falter and then just stop coming altogether. I assumed in the States that when there was a baptism it was amazing and the people basically had testimonies before they got baptized, and over the past 15 weeks I've been repenting of that thought. ;)

The Lord has a lot in store for these humble, amazing people and I just hope that in the future I can be part of it. I love these people here so much it's hard for me to explain how much I care for them, worry about them and just desire them to have everything and become better than myself (my [companion] included!). I am so grateful for all of the opportunities that I have been given in my life to learn and to grow and prepare for this mission service, and I am SO grateful now that I have to opportunities to serve and use the talents I've been given and be able to develop myself more to become a good dad, husband and life-long servant of the Lord.

I love you all. Stay strong and keep the faith. Do whatever it is you need to do to have the Spirit with you at all times. Also, live life to the fullest...don't waste your time on foolish whims and desires.

Love, Elder Braden D. Bolton

The Service

Date: September 14, 2010
Area: Puerto Cabezas, Nicaragua

Wow, another week gone by in my mish. The weeks seem to just fly right on by me and off into the non-existent nica sunset. :( Jk. I love my time out here in Puerto! It is fantastic! This week is going to be tough though because we're going to [fly to] Managua because Elder Clarke from the Quorum of the 70 is coming and apparently he wants to ask us what is going on with the area. I'm kinda nervous because our Mission President is not happy with us...so this week is going to be very interesting (especially if he takes us all out of Puerto and does E-Changes).

Anyway, I continue working hard. Trying to learn Miskito--a little at a time but still progressing--as well as trying to be a good [trainer] and a good missionary. The Lord has blessed me with a lot of responsibility and I'm just now getting into the habit of everything, which means that a change might be coming... Although I do enjoy having the ability to be the main Elder speaking while we're teaching, etc. Sometimes it seems so stressful having to do a lot of the things by myself, regarding the language, but it's a work in progress.

We just finished organizing all of the important auxiliaries in the branch this week, as well as counted the real CIMI (recent convert list) and divided it from some of the other units. We've also planned some great activities for the branch over the rest of the month. We should be seeing a lot success in regards to our church membership this month.

I still cannot get over how many lessons the Lord is teaching me day by day, week by week here in the mish. I honestly wonder how many I will remember and how many I'll forget; if I should [write] them in a book or just hope not to forget them, I know not what I need to do.

Well, I love you all and hope that all is well wherever this email finds you. Stay in touch with the Lord and with me and we'll all see each other sooner than we can imagine!

Love,
-Elder Braden D. Bolton

So...NOTICIAS DE ELDER BOLTON e HIJO!

This week we had planned on baptizing two families and getting some really strong potential priesthood holders into the church, yet we had some problems Saturday night and I had to fight to get one baptized (and unfortunately in all the mess I forgot my camera in the house!). How sad. Anyway, it was fantastic, as we got a couple married and then they got baptized together and then I bought a cake and we had a little party with the members. It was quite the event.

Last week our mission president came and spoke very frankly to all of us here in the zone, kinda humbled us, and then left. I learned quite a bit in the two hours that we had to talk to him as a zone and individually when we were doing some practice lessons with him. He was rather impressed by my teaching (even though I was SUPER nervous to practice teaching in front of a mission president) and then old me to keep up the good work training. WHEW! Apparently even though I have so much on my little plate and I feel like I really never know what I'm doing, the Lord has been blessing me and guiding me the entire way. That sometimes seems so hard for me, especially being who I am, uptight and a perfectionist...but I have had to change and grow up a little, relax a little. I have truly learned that all we can do sometimes is trust in the Lord and give Him our all and then hope that tomorrow He will help me give even more.

I keep fighting everyday to prove to the Lord that I am learning, growing and changing. Maybe, if He wants me to be a leader here I will be, but until then I'm going to enjoy my simple life.

I cannot even explain how much stuff I am learning and how much I am growing out here. I love my Heavenly Father and thank Him for everything He gives me. I know that He not only loves me, but that he trusts in me and my abilities. With Him I can do anything and overcome everything, so right now I live as if tomorrow were my last day here in Nicaragua and give my all.

Love you all and hope that all is well.

Love,
Elder Braden D. Bolton

After Transfers

Date: August 23, 2010
Area: Puerto Cabezas, Nicaragua

Well, transfers have come and gone! And...I'm training this change! Weird. It's my 2nd change here in Puerto and I'm a daddy. The Lord has interesting ways of helping us to learn, but at the same time they feel so right. It's hard to explain, but I hope that somehow you might understand me. Sometimes the Lord puts us in positions that surprise us because we cannot understand why we are being asked to do something or how on earth we might be qualified to do such a calling, but the Lord has prepared me and has been preparing me for a long time to do the work that I'm trying to do here. I have been able to see that my whole life has been in preparation for this mission service; not to mention the Lord's hand has been very "visible" in preparing me for this missionary service as well.

The area I'm working in is proving to be challenging right now, but I know that I can handle all the stress that is being thrown at me right now. My families aren't coming to church, my ZL's are getting upset because we aren't baptizing as much as we used to and they're getting flack from the AP's, and my comp must think that I'm the worst dad ever. But I'm still working hard and still trying to do my best and I think that as long as the Lord knows that it's all that matters. The interesting thing is that right now we are being asked to baptize a ton, but we are also asked to retain them, and here the two do NOT come hand in hand, you get one or the other. Maybe eventually the leaders will understand, but for now we'll all take a verbal beating.

The culture here still shocks me sometimes and it also shocks me how much I've become used to it (as my kid is not like I was, everything seems to be so much worse). I love this country and the people here and want to help them so much, so just know that I'm doing my hardest to change their lives.

I hope that my email finds you all happy and well. Know that I love you all, that I love this work, and that I'm working so hard!

Love, Elder Braden Bolton

Short Note

Date: August 16, 2010
Area: Puerto Cabezas, Nicaragua
Companion: Elder Velásquez

This week has been crazy, and I messed up...this week is transfers. We know that my comp is leaving and that one of my ZL's is out (as well as 2 other elders). I don't have a lot of time to write because I've been helping do stuff around the zone so much, but I do just want to tell you how amazing being a missionary is to me. I love the relationship that I am building with my Father in Heaven, my Saviour and the Holy Ghost. I love the scriptures so much and I love how simple the Book of Mormon explains the doctrine to us. I have loved the time that I have spent with my comp and I look forward to whatever experiences the Lord is ready to throw at me now.

Know that I love you so much and want the best for all of you (and that in time I will answer your emails, hopefully next week). Stay strong and keep the faith.

BTW-it hit 105º here this week. Death.